Monday, December 28, 2009

Body Image Fears, or, I Want To Look Good Naked...

Body Image is a scary thing for most women. Even more so for us "Fluffy Gals," when the societal norm tells us we should all look like a 92 pound toothpick.

I am a fluffy gal, and have been since my first daughter decided to use my uterus as her Summer Home 13 years ago. I have gone up and down the scales, but I have always had some extra padding. I am ok with this usually. Luckily for me, so is my husband. "More cushion for the pushin" he has said a time or two. However, even with an accepting husband and a mostly accepting sense of self, since I left work I have gained weight, and at times the thought of getting naked makes me want to run screaming into the nearest dark room. I spend a good deal of time in this very computer chair, as I am more of an "Indoor kind of girl," and as my husband and I are both great cooks, there is never a shortage of good things to eat around here.

That being said, we actually do NOT eat a lot. Neither of us eat during the day usually, dinner is usually our only meal, and we are not big snackers. He has a physically demanding job, unlike me, whose main job these days is to hold the furniture down and make sure my preschooler does not destroy the house or herself, so while I understand why I am fluffy, I do not understand why my husband has a "beer gut" when he does not drink, and does not eat much, and certainly expends more calories than he takes in. It is a conundrum for sure.

He has no issues with his body however. Yes he has a gut, but he has tree trunks for legs and some super powerful arms on his 6 foot frame. He is happy with himself and I think he is very attractive. He thinks I am very attractive, and some days I do too....and some days I do not. Since I left work I have put on about 30 pounds, bringing me up to 250...on a 5'6 and a half frame....and while it is not the most I have ever weighed, I was pregnant those other times and had a damn good reason. Now, not so much!

The problem is, I am ok with myself in just about every way, until it comes time to get down and dirty. Then I freeze up, do not want to be touched more than absolutely necessary, and I want to do it in the position that least showcases my jiggling bits. This causes my husband endless frustration. He tells me all the time he is attracted to me, wants me, and wishes I would let the fear go and just be in the moment. I wish I could do that as well.....but it has come down to the lights off, only get undressed as little as possible and as soon as it is done I am up and out of there, covered back up like I was before we started. I know that the problem is me, and all mental and emotional, but I have no reason to be this way. Granted when I was a kid and a teen, my parents liked to tease me ( THEY call it teasing, I sure as hell don't ) about my weight, which is funny because until I was 18 I was the perfect weight for my size. None of the men I have been with ever had a problem with my weight, even after I got heavier. The issue has always been ME. I really hate it when I get in my own way.

I used to be a firecracker. Always ready for it, always threw all of myself into it, I could not get enough, I LOVED to have sex with my partner. Then after I had my youngest daughter, I had my tubes tied, and it took a while to recover from that was hard, ended at 28 weeks and my daughter had to stay in the hospital for a month. Ever since then, it seems that every bit of energy went to recovering and taking care of my daughter. There was nothing wrong with her, she was just tiny, no health issues or anything, and after she came home she was a great baby. I stayed home until she was 9 months old, then I went back to work, and then all my energy went to work and my kids...what little I had left went to my husband, who understood and was ok with this. I worked for the next three years until I suffered a burnout..I was a manager of a restaurant and I was working 60+ hours a week, then had to come home and be a mom and wife. I was exhausted. We sat down and discussed it and we decided I would take some time off and be a stay at home mom for a while. Two and a half years later I am still here lol. My youngest starts school next Fall and I will go back to work then, but in the meantime, as I said in my first post, I kind of lost myself along the way. My passion and my zest got buried under the everyday routine of life.

I want the old me back...I want that fire back, the spark we used to have. Now I know that every marriage goes through this, it can not stay new forever, but the fires died down way before they should have in my opinion, and it is my fault, not his. He is still just as loving and passionate as ever, at least as much as I will let him be. So it is me that needs the overhaul, and the kicker is, I do not even have to lose weight to do that, I just need a mental shift about how I view myself. I am highly intelligent, funny, attractive, and have a lot of good qualities. I KNOW all this. So why in the hell is this one little ( ha ha ) thing causing me so damn much trouble??

Better yet, how in the hell do I fix it??

Until next time,

Add some Sparkle to your life!


Bella Foxglove said...

After reading this I just had to comment...your life and mine are almost identical and I had to admit I was a little disappointed to see you lived a couple states over!

I also have two daughters and a son, and my youngest girl was a preemie born at 28 weeks, having to stay in the hospital for a little over a month!

I can relate to the body image issues as well. I am a bigger woman and my parents were BRUTAL about calling me fat and all kinds of things, even when I was not at the time. I ended up running away from home at 15 it got so bad.

I go through stages where I feel kind of icky about myself, but luckily those are few and far between.

Anyway, I just had to comment, due to the similarities and I look forward to reading more from you!

Anonymous said...

I too can sympathize. My weight has been an issue since I was as young as 5 years old. I was a chubby kid, anorexic teen, obese twenty something, then finally I was diagnosed in 1999 with PCOS and told if I didn't lose weight I was headed toward Diabetes and infertility. Something inside me clicked. I lost 80 lbs. in 9 months and kept it off for a year until I became pregnant with my one and only child. Happy ending? Not so much. I gained 52 lbs. during my pregnancy due to an 11 week stint of bedrest and now weigh a wopping 230 lbs on a 5'8" frame. I've been trying to lose this weight on and off for 6 years since my son was born. I found an excellent book that has helped me and I've lost 10 lbs. already. It's called "If you're going to eat at the refrigerator, at least pull up a chair". It IS NOT I repeat NOT a diet book. Check it out, maybe it will be that one thing that will help you out spiritually and emotionally. Best of luck and I look forward to reading more from you.


The Glitter Goddess said...

Bella: That is amazing that our lives have been similar! I was a wreck when my baby was born so early, but my Juniper was a firecracker and has not slowed down since!

Inannasstar: I will totally have to find that book! I have read tons of diet books and tried lots of fad diets but they just do not seem to work for me, and I think a different approach is what is going to make me accomplish my weight loss goals. As you said, a spiritual and emotional aspect is going to have to be present. Thank you for this advice!

Thanks to you all for reading me, I am thrilled to have you here!